Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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