OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
