sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
