I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
