I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
false alarm. still invincible.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
