I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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