I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
