Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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