I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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