i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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