I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We got so high we made milksteak
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
