Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he puts the penis in happiness.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
