I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
