You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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