oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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