Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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