I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
