You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
