Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
