literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
