So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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