alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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