There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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