i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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