I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
