I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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