I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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