Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
