Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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