her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Umm I'm too high to move.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Randomize
