You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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