you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
