there's paper in my vomit.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
