I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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