please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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