genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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