i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
