god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
