When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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