She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dicks are not precious.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
