i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
