I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you inspire me to be a worse person
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize