Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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