So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
