I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
