Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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