Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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