My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
