I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My vagina is officially offended.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
