So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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