After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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