Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize