I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
