If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
