Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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