You just made me feel so damn special
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
