I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize