You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
