woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
