Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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