Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
