The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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