There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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