Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
