Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
