...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
