I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
