i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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