Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
