Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
