He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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