yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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