If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
