She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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