i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I die, sorry about rent.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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